It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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