hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Pooping to opera.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
