My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
