Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
