do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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