Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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