I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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