Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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