This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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