my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I deserve this hangover.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
