It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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