I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
