hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
