either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
