his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
