I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Randomize
