you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
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