Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
