So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
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