i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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