if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
