I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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