do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
