After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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