It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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