Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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