i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
