I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
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