I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
