Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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