Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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