Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
