and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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