Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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