I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
