Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
