From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
