She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize