Can i not drive my cunt home
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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