well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Randomize
