I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
