@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
