I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
