Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
