YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
