so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
