Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
