So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
