I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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