the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
