Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
