Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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